5 YEARS. Today my husband and I have been married for FIVE YEARS. How is that even real? I’ve started on this post a thousand times. But I just couldn’t decide what to write. I wanted to write something about what I’ve learned the past 5 years, but SO many things came to mind! How could I pick just one thing?! I started jotting random things down.
Forgiveness…. Humility…. Being intentional…. Unity…. Unconditional love…. Selfishness….
Somewhere in the first year, God began teaching all of these things to me. I can vividly remember a few moments where something in my mind and heart, and even my spirit, shifted. Where the Holy Spirit took control. He convicted me, and made me realize that I was wrong about so many things! My opinions about love, and about what marriage was supposed to be like. He broke me down, and began to rebuild me. I stopped focusing on what my husband was (in my eyes) doing wrong all the time, and started trying to remember that I’m SO FAR from perfect. I had to constantly remind myself that not one single person is perfect. And not one person is worthy to be saved. And that included me. Jesus, is the only worthy one. I held myself above my husband in some ways, and I tried to be the holy spirit for him. Always justifying my own actions and feelings, and criticizing his. What right did I have to think this way?! Where did these thoughts even come from?! We as humans are selfish by nature.
Marriage, or any relationship for that matter, would be easy if we were all selfless and patient. But we aren’t. And sometimes, we don’t even try to be. If we just go through the motions, we act selfishly, and hurt others. And hurt people hurt people. I began to pray and ask God to help me see my husband through his eyes.
Slowly I realized that all of these little things connected. I got to this point, where I felt like, God, what more can I do? How much more can you mold me? I became a completely different person than when we first got married. And I felt like God hadn’t been molding my husband at all. Or very little in comparison to how much he was molding me. I don’t know if it showed on the outside, but I could feel it all on the inside. It was hard not to fall into my old ways, and try and be the holy spirit towards him. Especially when my feelings were continually being hurt. So we kept falling in and out of these seasons.
I thought, I’ve done all I can do. I’m just waiting for my husband to step up and fulfill his responsibilities as my husband now.
And in some ways, that was true. But how could my husband fulfill his responsibilities if he didn’t know what they were?
I felt stuck, with no way to progress forward.
God was teaching me about ONE SPECIFIC THING. Our church’s married Sunday school class started doing the study Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler. I’d heard so many good things about it, but never got the chance to participate in the study. I’m so glad I finally did, because there I finally heard the term coined UNMET EXPECTATIONS.
Guys, there are TONS of books and resources about this topic, but I had never once heard this phrase “unmet expectations.” Isn’t that crazy? It finally all came together in my mind, and I realized that THAT is what God had been trying to show me!
I came into my marriage expecting my husband to be my ready soul mate. I expected my husband to love me in an impossible way, fulfilling all of my needs and constantly making me happy. And although, yes, my husband should desire my happiness and want to help make me happy, he’s going to disappoint me at times! We are selfish by nature, and it’s only a matter of time before the spot light falls back onto himself. Only God can fulfill my every need and heart’s desire. I denied it then, but I expected my husband to be Jesus! And, boy, is he not! Once I realized this, I felt absolutely terrible for putting that weight on my husband’s shoulders. I never thought of myself as high maintenance, but I probably seemed like it! My poor husband. He’s so laid back, it’s as if he has no expectations. And then there I was with completely unrealistic should’s and should not’s.
TAKE THE BURDEN OFF OF YOUR SPOUSE!
Soul mates aren’t born. They are made as you grow together. We are all different people. What works for one couple, might not work for another. That’s why there’s no guide book on how to be a perfect spouse. Nobody is born knowing how to be a wife. Or a husband. The few months or years before the big day are spent prepping for the blissful moment we say “I do.” It should be spent prepping for a life long commitment. But, there’s no step by step guide on what to do and what to say every single day from the moment you wake up, until the moment you go to sleep. And even if there was, we probably wouldn’t follow it. We’d all make up our own way. We’re selfish like that.
I know, I’ve said that already. But. Just remembering that fact helps me to see my husband through God’s eyes.
Just as we are to pick up our cross daily in our faith, we must start anew in our marriage each day. Letting go of the things that haunt us, both big and small. The things that make us scoff, and the things that burn and cause offense to our very souls. Because, we aren’t perfect. God sees all sin the same. Whether we tell a white lie, or we murder someone. He hates it all because sin is what separates us from Him! So whether my husband forgets to pick up his socks for the umpteenth time, or he sets our house on fire, I try to remember
that neither of us is worthy of God’s grace, yet He gives it to us daily. If sin separates us from God, then the little things, or big things that offend us so deeply separate us more and more from our spouse. Only through God can we grow closer to our spouse.
So where do we go from here? That was my question exactly. I wanted to move forward for so long, but I didn’t know how. I thought it was my husbands turn to pick up the slack, if you will. But God continued to mold me, and show me where I was wrong.
We move forward by defining our expectations.
This is easier than it sounds. I spent weeks trying to figure out what my expectations even were, let alone trying to then redefine them. Expectations are often formed in your mind through your childhood and as you grow up. Influenced from each of your own backgrounds. These can be as little as how we do laundry, to how we communicate with one another. But, expectations are always changing. And so are we. As we go through our marriages and learn our spouses, we figure out what works and what doesn’t work. We constantly need to be reevaluating and redefining our expectations.
Marriages often end because of these unmet expectations, and then couples move on to find someone else who “deserves them” or “treats them better” when in reality they are just trying to fill those unmet expectations.
One of my favorite quotes is, “The grass is greener where you water it.”
Instead of expecting our spouse to naturally fulfill all of our needs, we need to have the expectation that, over time, we can learn how to fulfill our needs for each other.
Ask yourself, what are my expectations for my spouse? It might help to think back to your childhood. Talk about little things like, how the dishwasher is loaded, or whether or not your family ate dinner at the dinner table. Then talk about the bigger things, like the transition time when your spouse gets home from work. How did your parents do it? Talk about how often you want to have sex. The experiences you’ve had in these moments are the things that form your expectations. And when your expectation doesn’t meet your observation, that’s when the hurt sets in. Then we assume that our spouse hurt us intentionally. But, how would they know when their own experience and their expectations are completely different?
We can learn by having open communication with one another about our expectations for each other.
I suggest writing your expectations down. Start off by remembering each day, that nobody is perfect. We as humans fail to hit the mark almost every single time. Then ask yourself if these are expectations you would hold yourself to as well. Start with the small things, like household chores and who’s paying bills. Then move on to the bigger things like sex, date nights, parenting methods. I can’t give you an exact list, because it’s going to be different for every one. And sometimes, you will have to deal with your expectations while they are happening in the moment. When that happens, tell your spouse what your expectation was. Even if the expectation wasn’t reasonable, your spouse can help you see their perspective, and they can gain perspective as to why you felt your expectations weren’t met. Sometimes all it takes is being understood.
But ultimately, remember that nobody is perfect. Even after you define your expectations, your spouse is going to fail them at times. That’s when we lovingly come along side them and remind them how we need to be loved. And some days, that just won’t be possible. Remember that marriage isn’t 50/50. Some days your spouse may only be able to give 10%. And those are the days when you will have to be that other 90%. That’s what unconditional and sacrificial love is. That’s what God does for us. It won’t be easy. But God never promises that it will be easy. That’s why we ultimately need to find our fulfillment in Him. And on the days when we can’t give much, we know that God is loving them for us.
Only God can heal the broken heart. Only God can save what once was lost.
Colossians 3:7-10
“You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.”
To be renewed we must spend time with He who Renews.
What have you learned about marriage? Share with me below.
Until next time,
Britny